When My Wall Came Tumbling Down

I could start this post of discussing an issue close to my heart. 

I could, instead, try to write something humorous for once. 

I could waste your time with some facts or my perspective on a subject you don't care about.

I could always write about MY life and see if anyone is actually listening.

   See, the beautiful thing is knowing how many options I have. I can pretty much type anything I want without facing consequences. Sure, along the way I may offend a few of my friends or make myself look ridiculous....but.... who cares? My computer empowers me. It lets me hide behind a screen and voice my opinions. 

So many people are stuck behind their screens. I ache for them to find somewhere else that they can not only be heard, but feel heard. It was less than two weeks ago that I found mine.

Woah, woah, woah, what do you mean feel heard?

I have spent my ENTIRE life (over) talking. The people in my life are not able to deny the volume and frequency of my voice. I am left in a constant haze of "...why did I just say that?!?" My guess is that I keep talking because I don't feel like there is anyone listening.

Hearing ≠ Listening

Those of us who tend to feel... unwanted spend a lot of time trying to advertise. Logic makes it seem like the more I say the more someone will pick up, even inadvertently. On the internet someone, anyone, is likely to reblog, favorite, or like something I have to say. I am so thankful for the laptop that I'm typing on. I am beyond grateful for my cellphone with 3G capabilities. I am in utter awe of my love for the internet modem. Seriously, wow!

However, none of that acceptance comes anything close to what I have found in the 'real world.' Anyone who is friends with or follows me on social media knows that I just visited NYC with the wonderful organization GLSEN just under two weeks ago. This trip really changed my life.

The friends and people that I see day to day are... nice. Really, they are. However, I've always been on guard around them. Afraid to laugh too hard or say something way too weird, I just kinda hid myself. This is in no way the fault of those wonderful friends. I've just never been secure in my own personal identity. Now, when I met the students and faculty at GLSEN my outer shell melted away instantly. 

I was comfortable. 

Going in, I knew that these people were going to be accepting. 

Going in, I knew that it was going to be a culture shock.

Going in, I would have never bet on how I would leave. 

I spent the weekend among some of the most diverse and inspiring youth from all around the USA. We met representatives from organizations like Change.org and the lovely Vine star, Jeffery Marsh. We ate New York pizza and walked around Manhattan. We relaxed with some breathing exercises. We talked, laughed, hugged, took selfies, sang Beyonce, and we bonded. I can't speak for anyone else there, but I had one of the best times of my life. 

I spoke openly. I didn't feel judged or looked down on. When I said something that someone else didn't agree with I wasn't attacked. Instead, we talked it out. As lame as it sounds, I didn't know an environment like this existed. I didn't know PEOPLE like this existed.  These people not only heard my voice, but they listened to what it was saying. 

So, fast forward a little bit to the plane ride home. I was sitting in my seat, 13B, and wondering why I felt so different. I felt.. open? Free? Independent? All of those are true, but the word I was looking for was deliberate.

As the tattoo on my ankle says, I try to "Live Deliberately." It wasn't until this trip that I actually succeeded. I was free to be myself, and I took that opportunity with both eyes open. 

It

Felt

Rad.

There is so much more out in the world than what lies behind the screen of a computer or a cellphone. To anyone out there using the internet to feel involved, just get away. Get away from your typical friends or family members and find a place to start over. Even if it is just for a weekend, it can change everything. You won't have anyone telling you who you should be. YOU can decide who you are.

...Kind of like you do on the internet. 

Only better.

Public Address About Me.

Yes, I get it.

I can be a Bitch. I am hard to work with. I am opinionated. I have hard time communicating. I have a hard time understanding other's opinions. I often talk to others like they don't understand what I am saying. I make the LAMEST jokes and terrible puns. I accidentally say the wrong things and talk way too much. I make a big deal out of nothing and I cry over everything. I'm depressed all of the time and I'm not 'popular.' I can't sing or dance well and I certainly am not a perfect student. I push way too hard for the things I believe in. I am shy and I get easily embarrassed yet I talk really loud and draw attention to myself. I butt into conversations that I should not have even heard. I am HUMAN.

I have flaws and trust me - I am so much more aware of them than you could ever be. I know that my personality is hard to get along with so thank you to those who try to. I sincerely appreciate you all, well most of you, for trying not to make me feel hated or isolated. The fact that so many people would go out of their way to maintain a friendship with me is incredible.

But just don't. You either like me or you don't. I would rather have one quality friend than a thousand who tolerate me. No one should be surrounded by toleration or forced into that position. We live in a culture that makes trash talking okay. I admit, I have negative thoughts about nearly everyone. Who doesn't? I admit that I have VOICED those opinions. I also acknowledge that my words could have easily hurt someone that I care deeply about.

I am working on me.  I may not fit the description of perfection but I fall perfectly inline with being human. Recently, I realized that the majority of people in my life put me in the toleration phase. So please take a moment and answer these two questions:

1. Do you enjoy talking to me?

2. Do you enjoy spending time with me?

If you answer yes, than stop trash talking me. This goes for anyone. You shouldn't want to talk poorly about someone who is supposed to be your friend.

"I just need to let off steam sometimes."

Than let it off to me. There is no reason two people can't solve their own problems without bringing an entire social group.

MORAL:
So, what should you take away from this rant?
When it comes to friendship please try to be legit. No one deserves to be a time filler for you, nor should you be a time filler for them. There is nothing you can tell me that I don't already know about myself, so please stop trying. We all love to complain but it hurts like a bitch to hear. If someone is truthfully your friend than think before you talk. Chances are whatever you said will get back to them.

I'll take a life of loneliness over a life of lies any day.

"Not In Public"

"I don't care what you do, but..."

   I'm sure we all have them. The friends who 'accept' who we are without truthfully accepting it. The 'be who you are, just don't let me see it' type friends. May I just say, I would much rather be told that you 'disapprove' of me. The false acceptance that is given day to day is such a waste of time. First of all, I am NOT seeking your approval. I really couldn't care less that you're okay with the fact I've decided to live my own life. What do you want me to say? Thanks?

   Also, asking for me to hide isn't true acceptance. Who are you to me that I should hide behind veils for you? The most common thing I can think of that this is said about it sexuality. "I am totally cool with gay people. I just feel uncomfortable looking at it." Or well, something along those lines. Well guess what? I'm uncomfortable with you paying so much attention to my life. Personally, I don't care who you are - I hate watching PDA. That doesn't give me the authority to barge into someone's life and tell them to stop. If it is someone I know, than I'd just shut up and be happy for them. 

   Now, I appreciate not getting bagged on by these friends. But I mean... Don't ask me to hide who I am? You are not okay with something if you can't handle being around it. You may think that you are being a good friend, but understand how much it truthfully hurts. So many people are already ashamed of themselves. They don't deserve to have you be ashamed of them also. You may not be like a bully taking lunch money, but it's like  robbing someone of self confidence. This attitude forces someone into the shadows instead of allowing them to walk in the sunlight. 

Of course, this happens about much more than just sexuality. "I'm okay with *enter religion here*, but I don't think I could have a friend like that..." STOPPPP. You are no more holy than anyone else. Every religion believes that they are the enlightened ones. Can you imagine our world if none of these religious groups ever reached out to the others? We would all be so.. isolated. Befriending someone of a different religion or culture is NORMAL. Not everyone you meet in life will be exactly like you. So, don't ask them to be. 

So, there is my little personal rant. Try to take something away from it.

-Either be okay with something or not, don't lie about it. 

-Your approval won't change who I am or how I live my life.

-It is not your place to change someone. 

-The world does not exist to ascetically please you. 

-Why does love frighten you?

-Why does self expression frighten you?

Coming Out.

To begin this long list of things that I hate I will start with something incredibly personal to me.

Coming Out.

First of all, I hate that this even exists. I hate that our society has placed someone inside of a box that they must come out of. At no point does anyone who classifies as heterosexual feel forced to 'come out' to anyone. In my 17 years NO ONE has been surprised when I have a crush on a male. Yet for me to go on a date with a female? HA! Every head would be turning. 

They have. 

For some reason, society feels the need to commentate. Instead of just letting me do as I please friends begin to 'worry' about me? What the hell for? Of course homophobia is bred so strongly in the Bible Belt. I have so many friends afraid to be who they are because they will be bullied, looked down on, or even disowned. 

For me, being who I am was a journey. A terrifying journey. There have been points in my life where I have had either zero friends or just plain fake friends. I have been depressed and suicidal. Yet none of that compares to the shame I felt when I understood that I wasn't heterosexual. I was raised in a Christian family and was always taught that girls ONLY liked boys. It took me years before I could admit anything else to myself. It wasn't until Freshman year that I decided to embrace it, and the process was incredibly slow moving. The point is I was ashamed to be who I was born as. 

Believe it or not this is happening to so many people. Why do we teach our kids a textbook answer of who they should love? Parents - would you rather your kids be happy and in love or in a relationship strictly for appearance and to please you? If the answer is the latter than you have NO business having a child. If you cannot love the child that you have raised because of their sexuality or gender identification than you do not deserve someone so wonderful in your life.

NOW, BACK TO THE ORIGINAL POINT:

Coming out is dumb. Coming out is like you explaining yourself to society and you owe no one an explanation. Focus on being who you are and loving who you want. Don't focus on how society will react. 

The point of the 'Equal Rights' Movement isn't just to gain political rights. It's to gain social ones as well. Until a gay child and straight child can sit through a class together without someone cringing at the other's sexuality than we have not achieved equality. Either we all explain our sexuality or none of us do. If you like someone than be with them. If you're afraid of losing someone in your life than they were never there to stay. 

Yes, somethings just suck. Not being a white, heterosexual, male sucks. Even that can suck pretty badly. But I promise you that nothing will get any better until you embrace who you are and realize that you don't need to explain that to ANYONE. 

Peace out,

-Lindsay

Stereotypical Introduction

Hello there.

I'm Lindsay.

   I'm the kind of person who has a lot of opinions and no idea how to properly express myself. Instead of offending everyone while trying to explain my opinions and values, I guess I'll be doing that here. I have absolutely no qualifications besides the fact that I am incredibly passionate. The point of this is too explain myself and my usual extremely liberal views. Please always feel free to comment questions, statements, debates, and anything really.

   Basically, I'll be ranting about everything that pisses me off.



-If anyone is actually reading this, than thank you. I hope you get even the slightest enjoyment or perplex-ment from any of the following posts.

-Lindsay