I am so fucking thankful for my friend Margaux.
Before her first day at University, she let me cry and rant on the phone with her for 45 minutes.
(Not to mention she has been loaning me her cat, Croissant, for a few months.)
This woman is a saint.
Her only flaw?
This chick lives in France, and I'm too selfish to be okay with that. (More on Margaux later.)
Currently, I'm trying to make sense of all that my first (almost) full month at college has brought to me.
Currently, I'm trying to make sense of all that my first (almost) full month at college has brought to me.
First,
I feel so lonely.
For the first few days here, the entire Freshman class was herded to a bunch of Orientation events. A lot of them included power-points that told us that we might want to kill ourselves at some point during college. Don't. Get Help.
Over my shoulders, I heard kids snicker and talk about what a waste of time these presentations were.
The man on stage made a joke with the intent of lightening the mood.
He said that the cure to depression was to...
For the first few days here, the entire Freshman class was herded to a bunch of Orientation events. A lot of them included power-points that told us that we might want to kill ourselves at some point during college. Don't. Get Help.
Over my shoulders, I heard kids snicker and talk about what a waste of time these presentations were.
The man on stage made a joke with the intent of lightening the mood.
He said that the cure to depression was to...
1.Wake up.
2. Find a mirror.
3. Look myself in the eyes.
4. Force a smile.
Dude,
I wish that worked. I'm about to drop some red hot knowledge real quick:
I wish that worked. I'm about to drop some red hot knowledge real quick:
Depression is more than just a frown.
Depression can consume. It has nothing to do with what you want it to do. You can fight it like hell for years with it still being just as strong. Sometimes, therapy and medication work. Sometimes, religion works. Sometimes, love works. Sometimes, nothing works.
Every individual has the right to heal however they are able. Every individual deserves your kindness and support as they try to figure out how.
Every individual has the right to heal however they are able. Every individual deserves your kindness and support as they try to figure out how.
How dare someone tell college students that if they can't just look in the mirror and shake things off that they are not healing at a proper pace??
The man meant no harm.
Intention never matters.
For the next few days, I sifted through these words.
I wondered if the 4 out of 5 college students that the power-point claimed got depressed could just shake things off.
I wondered, if so, how?
Drury Freshman Orientation overwhelmed me.
While everyone else was out making friendships, my mind was preoccupied wondering how to set up the TV in my dorm so that I can watch Friends on Netflix. (SIDENOTE: IF ANYONE IS READING THIS THAT KNOWS HOW, I STILL NEED HELP PLEASE CONTACT ME ASAP THANK YOU THAT IS ALL)
The man meant no harm.
Intention never matters.
For the next few days, I sifted through these words.
I wondered if the 4 out of 5 college students that the power-point claimed got depressed could just shake things off.
I wondered, if so, how?
Drury Freshman Orientation overwhelmed me.
While everyone else was out making friendships, my mind was preoccupied wondering how to set up the TV in my dorm so that I can watch Friends on Netflix. (SIDENOTE: IF ANYONE IS READING THIS THAT KNOWS HOW, I STILL NEED HELP PLEASE CONTACT ME ASAP THANK YOU THAT IS ALL)
The lack of putting myself out there led me into the year without really having a foundation.(Note: Thus far, I haven't met a single genuinely mean person at Drury. They totally exist. I just haven't experienced them yet and am very thankful.)
So, instead of fixing that by racing off to make new friends, I became reliant on the ones I already had. In particular, there were 4 people that I called on relentlessly to accompany me through this transitional period. (Yes, one of them was my Dad. AKA one of my best friends.)
I can't even count how many nights I would call one of them in tears and talk for hours before just falling asleep on the phone. The thing with that is, they all have their own lives too. Ones that are equally, if not more, chaotic.
They stopped caring very much. I stopped calling so much.
About a week ago, I realized that I hadn't made a singular close friend here.
About a week ago, I started to talk to my dad about moving home next semester.
I realize now that what I should have done this year was take a gap year to get organized and collected in myself. (Major props to my friends that recognized that this is what they needed and acted on that.)
I have no idea what the future is going to hold for me. Yet, for the first time, I am becoming open to the possibilities.
I want to fall in love with Drury.
Every morning, I wake up to a picturesque view from my window.
Every day, I talk to some of the friendliest people that I have ever met.
There is nothing that I even really dislike about it here.
I just don't think it's my home.
I'm not sure if I even have one right now.
So, instead of fixing that by racing off to make new friends, I became reliant on the ones I already had. In particular, there were 4 people that I called on relentlessly to accompany me through this transitional period. (Yes, one of them was my Dad. AKA one of my best friends.)
I can't even count how many nights I would call one of them in tears and talk for hours before just falling asleep on the phone. The thing with that is, they all have their own lives too. Ones that are equally, if not more, chaotic.
They stopped caring very much. I stopped calling so much.
About a week ago, I realized that I hadn't made a singular close friend here.
About a week ago, I started to talk to my dad about moving home next semester.
I realize now that what I should have done this year was take a gap year to get organized and collected in myself. (Major props to my friends that recognized that this is what they needed and acted on that.)
I have no idea what the future is going to hold for me. Yet, for the first time, I am becoming open to the possibilities.
I want to fall in love with Drury.
Every morning, I wake up to a picturesque view from my window.
Every day, I talk to some of the friendliest people that I have ever met.
There is nothing that I even really dislike about it here.
I just don't think it's my home.
I'm not sure if I even have one right now.
(I should add, that I recognize that friendships can take a while to brew. I'm just lonely and working on it.)
DUDE STOP COMPLAINING. WHAT IS YOUR POINT??????
Essentially, there is no shame in admitting that things aren't going perfectly. In a million years, I never would have thought that I would have adjustment issues from going to college. But it happened to me. It happens to a lot of people in a lot of different ways. The importance lies in recognizing it if it ever happens to you.
Remember: while your experiences are ultimately unique, you are not alone in the slightest.
DUDE STOP COMPLAINING. WHAT IS YOUR POINT??????
Essentially, there is no shame in admitting that things aren't going perfectly. In a million years, I never would have thought that I would have adjustment issues from going to college. But it happened to me. It happens to a lot of people in a lot of different ways. The importance lies in recognizing it if it ever happens to you.
Remember: while your experiences are ultimately unique, you are not alone in the slightest.
The Stats:
1 in 12 college students make a suicide plan. (1)
49.5% of college students report feeling hopeless over the past year. (1)
60.5% of college students report feeling lonely over the past year. (1)
2 out of 3 college students struggling with mental illness don't seek the help they need. (1)
Every year 864,950 individuals attempt suicide every year. This equals one every 38 seconds.
I know that I'm not the only college student that had their mental health struggles come crashing (back) into the light. That's why my life is getting refocused on self-care as I reenter therapy and rethink a lot of big decisions.
(The italics here are meant to symbolize the fact that recovery is not always a one-stop-shop. Returning for more help is okay. Reopening the discussion is welcomed. And relapsing doesn't mean that you did anything wrong. Healing is not linear. Healing is not uniform. Give yourself the love and space you need to get better.)
I urge every last person reading this to take a beat to consider their own self-care. Had I been even slightly self-aware last year, I would have known that I needed that gap year. Despite the rocky start, I still have faith that this school year can be an exciting and positive one.
Either way, it's bound to give me strong enough emotions to write blogs about.
(Thank you x 1 000 000 to the people that let me rely on them so heavily in the start of this year.
Thank you x 1 000 001 to Margaux for not missing a beat despite living thousands of miles away, being 7 hours ahead, and having the world's worst internet access. She will be a great friend for the rest of my life and I have no doubt about that.)
Resources
1. http://college.usatoday.com/2016/01/30/mental-health-by-the-numbers/
2. http://www.emorycaresforyou.emory.edu/resources/suicidestatistics.html
National Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1-800-273-8255
