When I was in the 4th grade, my parents started to go through a divorce. It lasted a few years and was super messy. At the end of the day, I'd like to say that that time period left me fairly unaffected. However, it's results are still proving catastrophic to my life. The courts decided that I would live in my mother's custody and granted my father visitation rights.
Currently, I live full time with my father and rarely speak to my mother.
Why?
Well, that is quite a story.
My mother is... toxic.
For years, she manipulated both me and my father. She still tries to. My Freshman year was very turbulent. I spent a large portion of it bouncing in and out of the counseling office at school. Family services were called in to investigate several times. I spent most nights in my room with the door locked as she pounded on it screaming about something trivial. I was afraid of my own home. She lied to me about my father in an attempt to get me to 'turn against him.' She used my dog as leverage. She tried to bribe me into loving her. At the end of my Freshman year, I moved in with my father. Since then, my grades have skyrocketed and relationships have bloomed.
About a year ago, I got to a mental state in which I thought I would be stable enough to begin repairing my relationship with Lisa. (My mother.) We went to lunch a few times and she eventually invited me on a cruise with her. I went. I had fun. I came home. Things went back to normal. She began to try to use the cruise as leverage over me. Don't get me wrong, I really do appreciate that I got to travel because of her in that situation. However, that doesn't earn her my love. That doesn't erase years of pain, lies, and deceit. I was hoping that from that point forward we could build a new relationship. She killed any hope of that.
Recently, the last straw was added to the pile. A few days ago, I found out that about 2 years ago she outed me to my father.
Now, this past summer I came out to my father myself. The experience is one that left it's mark on me It was hard. I was really, really scared. I did so over the phone from an airport with Lisa in the car outside. She spent the next few days asking me 'how he couldn't have known' and how she felt bad that I didn't feel comfortable to go home; little did I know that she had told him years ago.
Listen, I didn't get to come out to my mother. She searched through my phone when I was in 6th grade and found messages with one of my friends about wanting to come out. I didn't come out to my peers. I just accepted who I was and let myself be that without explanation. My dad is the only person that I have ever come out to on my own terms. Having that taken away from me actually breaks my heart.
As ridiculous as it sounds, taking that away from me... It makes me feel like I am missing part of my identity. So often in the queer community, individuals have powerful coming out stories. Every time I hear one of somebody who was forced out of the closet, my heart shatters. Either process is valid, okay, and does not have to define one's identity or journey. However, to have the story that I thought was mine changed in an instant is incredibly insulting.
Had my father just talked to me years before, I wouldn't have been filled with so much fear and apprehension.
Had my mother respected my privacy, I would have gotten to communicate one of the most important parts of my identity to her on my own terms.
Had she respected my boundaries, she wouldn't have potentially put me in a jeopardizing position with my politically conservative father. (He has turned out to be mostly accepting, but definitely from a lax perspective.)
Had she respected me, we might have a salvageable relationship today.
Last week she sent me a message demanding 3 of my graduation tickets.
To that, I say:
Lisa,
You have hurt me. Because of you; I have trust issues, I can't let anyone close to me, I have missed out on so many experiences that other teenagers get to revel in. I want a relationship with you. I want to know my mother. For that, I need a mother worth knowing. To this day, you have not taken responsibility for the years of abuse and neglect. You ignore it. You deny it. You try to convince me that I invented several years of turmoil for some godforsaken reason.
I am now 18 years old and get a say on who comes into my life. As someone who suffers with mental health issues, I have to think about what is best for my safety and stability. Right now, you are not part of that solution. It actually does pain me to say this, but you are not invited to attend my graduation. You are more than welcome to watch me speak from online. However, I would like to use my tickets for family and friends who have been there for me and supported me.
May 13, 2016 is a day for me to celebrate my graduation with my loved ones.
It is not a day to pretend to have an okay relationship with someone that causes me anxiety and pain.
I'm sorry.
There will be a link to the video on my profile if you actually care about it.
Please don't ask me for anything until you've at least asked for my forgiveness.
*Super sorry to air this dirty laundry here, but I just want to make a point. There are two main lessons that I really hope can be taken away from this.
1. If someone in your life is toxic, you do not have an obligation to them. (Even if they are your own mother.) Your mental health matters. Abusive relationships come in many, many forms. You don't have to tolerate any of them. If you are in a situation that makes you feel unsafe please call one of the following hotlines for help:
- 1-800-392-3738 (Missouri residents)
- 1-573-751-3448 (Anyone)
2. You do not have the right to out anyone. It doesn't matter why you are doing it or who you are saying it to. Coming to terms with one's identity can be a super hard process. Having that thrust upon them at a quicker pace than they are ready for is utterly horrifying. I wasn't ready to come out. I was scared. Thankfully, I am strong. Thankfully, I have a dad that was willing to keep loving me. However, not everyone has that situation. By outing someone you could be putting them in danger. Even if their situation is a stable one, it is their information to tell: not yours. Please be mindful and respectful.
Here are some LGBT+ Help and Suicide Prevention Hotlines
- 1-866-488-7386 (The Trevor Project)
- 1-888-843-5464 (GLBT National Hotline)
- https://www.gaychristian.net/resources_for_you.php
If anyone is need of more direct assistance please reach out and I will help you locate resources.
Please learn to love yourself. You deserve to be safe and affirmed.
