#Flawless

I hate Hillary Clinton.
My problems with her go far beyond an email scandal or some impetuous comments scattered between lies.
Hillary Clinton is the absolute embodiment of the crooked establishment this nation has become.
She will likely never face legal recourse for any of her actions. (Neither will Wall Street executives but that's another bitter story.)
Hillary could practically commit murder and talk her way out of charges.
She is a brilliant and cunning woman.
Despite all of her flaws, which are plentiful, I will be proud to check the box next to her name on November 8th.

I am from the exact group of individuals her campaign has been targeting since the convention: lost. For months, I stood proudly at the base of Bernie Sander's campaign. I phone banked, canvased, donated, and spread the gospel around the best I could. However, he came up short of the nomination which left me in a very precarious situation.


I thought that Bernie endorsing Hillary was him selling out. That it was him suppressing the political revolution that I felt (and feel) incredibly proud to be a member of. For months, Bernie supporters ragged on 'Crooked-Hillary.' How was I supposed to fall in line behind her? The fact that Bernie chose to endorse Hillary Clinton over Jill Stein left me baffled. Jill and Bernie share much more political ideology than he and Clinton.

Naturally, I refused to accept his endorsement. Immediately, I latched myself to the Stein-Baraka ticket.

Oh god, that was a tragic mistake.

Listen, the Green Party is RAD as hell. The majority of my ideology is right on par with theirs. However, Jill, dude, stop getting arrested. Please? I wanted to want to vote for her so badly. I didn't care that my vote would easily fade into oblivion. The point was to vote my conscious. The point still is.

I cannot proudly cast a ballot for a candidate that might be back in jail next week.
I am all for radical activism.
I understand that progress doesn't always come from playing within legal guidelines.
The thing is, she is a presidential candidate.
She should use that position to rally behind causes and protesters so that if she were in a position of power she could actually help them.

Jill Stein is a joke.

I clenched my teeth and prepared to vote for Gary Johnson, the Libertarian candidate.
I am not a Libertarian.
I don't agree with the majority of Libertarian ideals.
But I liked Gary Johnson.
I convinced myself that voting for him because of his character was something I could be proud of. Hell, Johnson is the only candidate to have held an executive position. (The fact that he was a much more viable candidate than Stein was also an attractive quality.)

Suddenly, Johnson began to appear in the mainstream media.
The phrase "any press is good press" DEFINITELY doesn't include what Johnson has been experiencing.
I brushed off his ignorance regarding Aleppo.
I tried to make excuses for his inability to discuss world leaders.
The thing is, there is no excuse.
I'm nearly 40 years his minor and far more cognisant of international affairs.
Electing a man whose policies I don't support and who behaves as if governing a nation were a simple day job is not what I want my first ballot to represent.

Each candidate has a plethora of faults.
Hillary Clinton is in no way deserving of the highest office this nation can offer.
Jill Stein is in no way deserving of the highest office this nation can offer.
Gary Johnson is in no way deserving of the highest office this nation can offer.
Donald Trump is in no way deserving of any office this nation bears.

The thing is, I am genuinely terrified of a Donald Trump presidency.
He validates the bigotry that has been lurking in the shadows.
He proclaims racist remarks with no consequence.
He steps on the rights and dignity of minority groups.
He likes Mike fucking Pence.
(Mike Pence is perhaps the most dangerous politician for LGBT+ individuals. He is just an authentically disgusting human being//vampire man.)
I would not be safe under a Donald Trump presidency.
Odds are, someone that you know and love wouldn't be safe either.

I won't vote for Hillary out of fear.
However, it is my civic duty to vote.
This election is not a joke.
If I were to skip voting in the presidential race, I would be culpable for whatever outcome the race held.
No matter how this race is decided, it has highlighted the divide in values that this nation holds. That is something that won't heal quickly.

I will vote for Hillary Clinton because her presidency will mean 4 years of safety.
I will vote for Hillary Clinton because she understands government.
I will vote for her because she is capable of leading.
I will vote for her because I understand that the next president will get to shape the players in the Supreme Court.
I will vote for her because I know that the international community has it's eyes on this election and our enemies pray for a Trump presidency.
I will vote for her because I can't vote for Justin Trudeau.
I will vote for her because while she is an unpleasant human being, she is an excellent politician.
I will vote for her because a vote doesn't mean that I want to be her friend. A vote doesn't mean that she is my definition of perfection. A vote doesn't solidify that I agree with her past or future decisions. A vote does mean that I think she can do this job better than any other candidate.

Right now, Hillary Clinton is the best option for America.
Voting for her is a vote for my conscious. (Even if doing to sort of makes me want to vomit.)

The excellent news comes with the realization that the president's power is super finite and that there are a bunch of other really cool offices up for election.
For example, in Missouri, we have the EXTRAORDINARY ability to cast a ballot for Jason Kander for US Senate. (Something I strongly urge all of you to do.)

Voting 3rd party is absolutely not a waste if there is a candidate that you genuinely support. If you genuinely support Jill Stein, vote for her.

Voting 3rd party is the best way to disrupt the broken 2 party system that is running ramped with corruption. That said, this year is not the year for a protest vote.

I really wish that there was a candidate better for our nation than Hillary Clinton.
There's not, yet.
Who the hell knows where we'll be in 2020? I just want to get there.

(Register to vote HERE, the deadline is quickly approaching!)

College, Death, and a Forced Smile.

I am so fucking thankful for my friend Margaux.

Before her first day at University, she let me cry and rant on the phone with her for 45 minutes.

(Not to mention she has been loaning me her cat, Croissant, for a few months.)

This woman is a saint.

Her only flaw?

This chick lives in France, and I'm too selfish to be okay with that. (More on Margaux later.)



Currently, I'm trying to make sense of all that my first (almost) full month at college has brought to me.

First,

I feel so lonely.

For the first few days here, the entire Freshman class was herded to a bunch of Orientation events. A lot of them included power-points that told us that we might want to kill ourselves at some point during college. Don't. Get Help.
Over my shoulders, I heard kids snicker and talk about what a waste of time these presentations were.
The man on stage made a joke with the intent of lightening the mood.
He said that the cure to depression was to...

1.Wake up.

2. Find a mirror.

3. Look myself in the eyes.

4. Force a smile.

Dude,

I wish that worked. I'm about to drop some red hot knowledge real quick:

Depression is more than just a frown.

Depression can consume. It has nothing to do with what you want it to do. You can fight it like hell for years with it still being just as strong. Sometimes, therapy and medication work. Sometimes, religion works. Sometimes, love works. Sometimes, nothing works.
Every individual has the right to heal however they are able. Every individual deserves your kindness and support as they try to figure out how.

How dare someone tell college students that if they can't just look in the mirror and shake things off that they are not healing at a proper pace??

The man meant no harm.
Intention never matters.
For the next few days, I sifted through these words.
I wondered if the 4 out of 5 college students that the power-point claimed got depressed could just shake things off.
I wondered, if so, how?


Drury Freshman Orientation overwhelmed me.
While everyone else was out making friendships, my mind was preoccupied wondering how to set up the TV in my dorm so that I can watch Friends on Netflix. (SIDENOTE: IF ANYONE IS READING THIS THAT KNOWS HOW, I STILL NEED HELP PLEASE CONTACT ME ASAP THANK YOU THAT IS ALL)

The lack of putting myself out there led me into the year without really having a foundation.(Note: Thus far, I haven't met a single genuinely mean person at Drury. They totally exist. I just haven't experienced them yet and am very thankful.)

So, instead of fixing that by racing off to make new friends, I became reliant on the ones I already had. In particular, there were 4 people that I called on relentlessly to accompany me through this transitional period. (Yes, one of them was my Dad. AKA one of my best friends.)
I can't even count how many nights I would call one of them in tears and talk for hours before just falling asleep on the phone. The thing with that is, they all have their own lives too. Ones that are equally, if not more, chaotic.

They stopped caring very much. I stopped calling so much.

About a week ago, I realized that I hadn't made a singular close friend here.
About a week ago, I started to talk to my dad about moving home next semester.
I realize now that what I should have done this year was take a gap year to get organized and collected in myself. (Major props to my friends that recognized that this is what they needed and acted on that.)

I have no idea what the future is going to hold for me. Yet, for the first time, I am becoming open to the possibilities.

I want to fall in love with Drury.
Every morning, I wake up to a picturesque view from my window.
Every day, I talk to some of the friendliest people that I have ever met.
There is nothing that I even really dislike about it here.
I just don't think it's my home.
I'm not sure if I even have one right now.

(I should add, that I recognize that friendships can take a while to brew. I'm just lonely and working on it.)

DUDE STOP COMPLAINING. WHAT IS YOUR POINT??????

Essentially, there is no shame in admitting that things aren't going perfectly. In a million years, I never would have thought that I would have adjustment issues from going to college. But it happened to me. It happens to a lot of people in a lot of different ways. The importance lies in recognizing it if it ever happens to you.

Remember: while your experiences are ultimately unique, you are not alone in the slightest.

The Stats:

1 in 12 college students make a suicide plan. (1)

49.5% of college students report feeling hopeless over the past year. (1)

60.5% of college students report feeling lonely over the past year. (1)

2 out of 3 college students struggling with mental illness don't seek the help they need. (1)

Every year 864,950 individuals attempt suicide every year. This equals one every 38 seconds.

I know that I'm not the only college student that had their mental health struggles come crashing (back) into the light. That's why my life is getting refocused on self-care as I reenter therapy and rethink a lot of big decisions.

(The italics here are meant to symbolize the fact that recovery is not always a one-stop-shop. Returning for more help is okay. Reopening the discussion is welcomed. And relapsing doesn't mean that you did anything wrong. Healing is not linear. Healing is not uniform. Give yourself the love and space you need to get better.)

I urge every last person reading this to take a beat to consider their own self-care. Had I been even slightly self-aware last year, I would have known that I needed that gap year. Despite the rocky start, I still have faith that this school year can be an exciting and positive one.

Either way, it's bound to give me strong enough emotions to write blogs about.

(Thank you x 1 000 000 to the people that let me rely on them so heavily in the start of this year.

Thank you x 1 000 001 to Margaux for not missing a beat despite living thousands of miles away, being 7 hours ahead, and having the world's worst internet access. She will be a great friend for the rest of my life and I have no doubt about that.)

Resources

1. http://college.usatoday.com/2016/01/30/mental-health-by-the-numbers/

2. http://www.emorycaresforyou.emory.edu/resources/suicidestatistics.html

National Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1-800-273-8255

The Safety // Pride

Early on the morning of June 12th, Omar Mateen gunned down over a hundred individuals in an Orlando nightclub. (Around 50 dead and slightly over 50 injured.) June 12th now marks the 2nd largest terror attack on the United States, the first being 9/11. During the attacks, Mateen called authorities in order to pledge allegiance to ISIS. My heart breaks for the victims and their families.

There are 3 very important topics that need to be discussed following these events.

Firstly,

Please do not turn this attack into ammunition against Muslims or any other religious or ethnic group. Mateen was radicalized and violent. Mateen acted independently with inspiration from ISIS. The actions of one individual can not and should not define how you view and entire race or religion. (Despite what Donald Trump might be telling you.)  Please keep your heart open and provide support to your neighbors of all faiths, religions, genders, sexualities, or any other arbitrary fact dividing us. We are one mankind.

Secondly, 

Omar Mateen purchased his weapons through legal channels just days before the attacks. In 2013, he was under investigation for potential ties to terror groups and other radicalized individuals. The charges were dismissed. For years, he abused his ex-wife until her family helped her purchase an emergency flight away from him. She abandoned all of her belongings and pressed charges.

This man was legally able to walk into a gun store and purchase assault grade weaponry. Something about that just doesn't check out with me.

I get it, talking about gun control is controversial. A lot of people would prefer to shy away from the issue and wait from the problems to just go away.

 Problems don't just disappear.

Policy reform is important. I strongly believe that assault riffles are unnecessary. I can't think of a single reason that I, or anyone I know, would ever need to carry one. Plenty of countries function with strong gun regulations. Australia, which has a complete gun ban, has substantially lower crime and murder rates than the United States. (More info here.)

If you too believe that there should be stricter gun laws here in the US check out this petition and also educate yourself on the topic. I'll provide more resources for all topics discussed at the end of this post.

Thirdly,

This was a hate crime against the LGBT+ community. Pulse, the nightclub, was a gay bar. Mateen was a proclaimed homophobe. Despite his horrific actions, many Americans are rallying behind him because of his targets.

Saying that the 'queers deserved this' is supporting and validating Mateens actions. It is supporting actions that are encouraged by ISIS.

Personally, I believe that the murders of dozens of people of any type are wrong and sick.

The way that someone identifies does not make them any less of a human being. Even if you disagree with someone's lifestyle I hope we can all agree that they deserve the right to live that life.

I am disgusted by the amount of posts I have seen supporting this horrific attack.

Please support the families in this difficult time by showing compassion for their fallen children, siblings, spouses, and friends. Spread love and kindnesss instead of propagating the violence.

Finally,

I may not be the praying type, but I urge those of you who are to pray for healing. The rest, myself included, I urge to send positive energy and thoughts straight to Orlando.

Note: Blood donations are always important in saving lives. Hit up your local blood bank and share a bag.

Resources:
-Shooting-
   http://www.cnn.com/2016/06/12/us/orlando-nightclub-shooting/
   http://www.cnn.com/2016/06/12/us/orlando-shooter-omar-mateen/
   http://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation/2016/06/12/shooting-orlando-club/85785254/
   http://www.orlandosentinel.com/news/pulse-orlando-nightclub-shooting/os-orlando-shooting-pulse-nightclub-20160612-story.html
-Race Relations-
   http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2016/jun/12/queer-muslims-mourning-orlando-nightclub-shooting
   http://www.express.co.uk/news/world/679223/Donald-Trump-Orlando-shooting-Islam-terrorism-ISIS-Islamic-State (The fact that there are so many American's that agree with Trump's rhetoric on Muslim Americans among with so many other things sickens me.)
   http://www.huffingtonpost.com/qasim-rashid/16-ways-you-can-support-a_b_8901854.html
-Gun Control-
   http://smartgunlaws.org/assault-weapons-policy-summary/
   http://www.usatoday.com/story/news/world/2016/06/12/gun-control-debates-countries-mass-shootings/85805146/
-Queer Safety//Hate Crimes-
   http://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation/2016/06/12/pulse-more-than-just-another-gay-club/85785762/
   http://www.cnsnews.com/news/article/penny-starr/obama-pride-month-proclamation-gay-bisexual-men-and-transgender-women-0
   http://www.civilrights.org/publications/hatecrimes/lgbt.html?referrer=https://www.google.com/

This Saturday, June 18th, Springfield will be having their annual pride march. If you are in the region, please try to attend. Together, let's spread love.

https://www.facebook.com/events/945442875554941/956223514476877/?notif_t=admin_plan_mall_activity&notif_id=1465758861927511

Mom,

This is going to be easy for me to write, but hard to publish. Some dirty laundry should remain behind closed doors. However, sharing this might help someone else who is facing a rough time at home. I'll start with some background knowledge:
When I was in the 4th grade, my parents started to go through a divorce. It lasted a few years and was super messy. At the end of the day, I'd like to say that that time period left me fairly unaffected. However, it's results are still proving catastrophic to my life. The courts decided that I would live in my mother's custody and granted my father visitation rights.
Currently, I live full time with my father and rarely speak to my mother. 
Why?
Well, that is quite a story.
My mother is... toxic. 

For years, she manipulated both me and my father. She still tries to. My Freshman year was very turbulent. I spent a large portion of it bouncing in and out of the counseling office at school. Family services were called in to investigate several times. I spent most nights in my room with the door locked as she pounded on it screaming about something trivial. I was afraid of my own home. She lied to me about my father in an attempt to get me to 'turn against him.' She used my dog as leverage. She tried to bribe me into loving her. At the end of my Freshman year, I moved in with my father. Since then, my grades have skyrocketed and relationships have bloomed.
About a year ago, I got to a mental state in which I thought I would be stable enough to begin repairing my relationship with Lisa. (My mother.) We went to lunch a few times and she eventually invited me on a cruise with her. I went. I had fun. I came home. Things went back to normal. She began to try to use the cruise as leverage over me. Don't get me wrong, I really do appreciate that I got to travel because of her in that situation. However, that doesn't earn her my love. That doesn't erase years of pain, lies, and deceit. I was hoping that from that point forward we could build a new relationship. She killed any hope of that.

Recently, the last straw was added to the pile. A few days ago, I found out that about 2 years ago she outed me to my father. 

Now, this past summer I came out to my father myself. The experience is one that left it's mark on me It was hard. I was really, really scared. I did so over the phone from an airport with Lisa in the car outside. She spent the next few days asking me 'how he couldn't have known' and how she felt bad that I didn't feel comfortable to go home; little did I know that she had told him years ago. 

Listen, I didn't get to come out to my mother. She searched through my phone when I was in 6th grade and found messages with one of my friends about wanting to come out. I didn't come out to my peers. I just accepted who I was and let myself be that without explanation. My dad is the only person that I have ever come out to on my own terms. Having that taken away from me actually breaks my heart. 

As ridiculous as it sounds, taking that away from me... It makes me feel like I am missing part of my identity. So often in the queer community, individuals have powerful coming out stories. Every time I hear one of somebody who was forced out of the closet, my heart shatters. Either process is valid, okay, and does not have to define one's identity or journey. However, to have the story that I thought was mine changed in an instant is incredibly insulting.

Had my father just talked to me years before, I wouldn't have been filled with so much fear and apprehension. 

Had my mother respected my privacy, I would have gotten to communicate one of the most important parts of my identity to her on my own terms.

Had she respected my boundaries, she wouldn't have potentially put me in a jeopardizing position with my politically conservative father. (He has turned out to be mostly accepting, but definitely from a lax perspective.) 

Had she respected me, we might have a salvageable relationship today.

Last week she sent me a message demanding 3 of my graduation tickets. 
To that, I say: 

Lisa, 

You have hurt me. Because of you; I have trust issues, I can't let anyone close to me, I have missed out on so many experiences that other teenagers get to revel in. I want a relationship with you. I want to know my mother. For that, I need a mother worth knowing. To this day, you have not taken responsibility for the years of abuse and neglect. You ignore it. You deny it. You try to convince me that I invented several years of turmoil for some godforsaken reason.
I am now 18 years old and get a say on who comes into my life. As someone who suffers with mental health issues, I have to think about what is best for my safety and stability. Right now, you are not part of that solution. It actually does pain me to say this, but you are not invited to attend my graduation. You are more than welcome to watch me speak from online. However, I would like to use my tickets for family and friends who have been there for me and supported me. 

May 13, 2016 is a day for me to celebrate my graduation with my loved ones. 
It is not a day to pretend to have an okay relationship with someone that causes me anxiety and pain.
I'm sorry.
There will be a link to the video on my profile if you actually care about it.
Please don't ask me for anything until you've at least asked for my forgiveness. 

*Super sorry to air this dirty laundry here, but I just want to make a point. There are two main lessons that I really hope can be taken away from this.

1.  If someone in your life is toxic, you do not have an obligation to them. (Even if they are your own mother.) Your mental health matters. Abusive relationships come in many, many forms. You don't have to tolerate any of them. If you are in a situation that makes you feel unsafe please call one of the following hotlines for help:

• 1-800-392-3738 (Missouri residents)
• 1-573-751-3448 (Anyone)

2.  You do not have the right to out anyone. It doesn't matter why you are doing it or who you are saying it to. Coming to terms with one's identity can be a super hard process. Having that thrust upon them at a quicker pace than they are ready for is utterly horrifying. I wasn't ready to come out. I was scared. Thankfully, I am strong. Thankfully, I have a dad that was willing to keep loving me. However, not everyone has that situation. By outing someone you could be putting them in danger. Even if their situation is a stable one, it is their information to tell: not yours. Please be mindful and respectful. 

Here are some LGBT+ Help and Suicide Prevention Hotlines

• 1-866-488-7386 (The Trevor Project)
• 1-888-843-5464 (GLBT National Hotline)
• https://www.gaychristian.net/resources_for_you.php

If anyone is need of more direct assistance please reach out and I will help you locate resources.

Please learn to love yourself. You deserve to be safe and affirmed.

What the Hell?

Revolution, as defined by the Oxford Dictionary, is a dramatic and wide-reaching change in the way something works or is organized or in people's ideas about it.

America, I would like to welcome you to your modern day revolution. Now, this election cycle feels like an awakening of mankind. I am surrounded by many well informed and passionate youth voters. Many of which, I believe will become very prevalent politically in the future. Many of share a common affection for a certain Bernard Sanders. (Who I just learned does NOT have a middle name. You're welcome.) It should be noted that some others do believe that Ted Cruz is the Zodiac Killer and that Deez Nuts is a viable candidate. 

Could my excitement be because this is my first time really being involved? Sure. However, I really believe that there is some magic in the air. (Good and Evil.)
The evil all began on June 16, 2015. (The day Republican front-runner Donald Trump announced his run for office.) No, I am not calling Donald Trump evil; I am calling him a racist. His rhetoric has done two main things:

1. Expose hate and
2. Encourage violance.

Believe it or not, Trump is playing a key part in this epic revolution. 

Before I really delve into this I would like to note my theory - I firmly believe that Trump doesn't believe a damn word that he says. He has to be more intelligent than he is letting on. Donald Trump attended the University of Pennsylvania and built an empire. Both of which can be debated and flawed but somewhere along the way Trump had to have picked up something. Numerous times in the past, he has been quoted saying that if he ever ran for office he would run as a Republican because 'they are all idiots.' He has also been close friends with Hillary Clinton for several years and donated funds to her previous campaigns. To me, it makes since that he would run to divide the Republican party and hand the election to the Democrats.

Think about it, it would be a brilliant scheme. Months ago, it appeared that Hillary Clinton would be the Democratic nominee, and what better way to endorse her than to hand her the election? There are a lot of  'what if's in the situation, but I buy it.

Anyway, when Trump gets on stage he stirs something up in people. Something.. menacing. The problem isn't Trump himself. For, he is just one man. What scares me is his following. Even if he does not truly believes the words that come out of his mouth, to think that so many people actually do believe in the hate he speaks breaks my heart.

America, where is your compassion?

Potentially, and hopefully, in canidate Bernie Sanders. This man has spent his entire life fighting for social justice and change. (Something that Hillary Clinton has actually been trying out recently?) He is an authentic candidate and the only true anti-Trump I see. He does not avoid the issues or politizise his way through a conversation. Instead, he is honest with the voters about what he believes in. Bernie's record shows him time and time again supproting equal rights and treatment of all people. It shows him fighting for our planet and crusaiding agasint campaign finance corruption.

(Hell, this man is so against political greed that he flies in coach.)

Bernie is authentic. Bernie is good. I like Bernie.


Bernie has fired up both me and my peers. I have talked with many coming-of-age voters who claim that they are only interested in the voting process because they have the opportunity to vote for a "legend." Bernie lit a fire, and now it is time to let America #bern.

(MISSOURI VOTERS: Please make sure you show up at the polls this Tuesday! Make your voice heard and let's fuel this revolution.)